A Green Thumb

In charge...

So, bossman is out this week and one of my tasks is to water the plants (among many others...no I'm not the office b*tch).

Well...after watering all the plants, I stood in front of one of the larger plants and realized...this just might not be real. Did I water a fake plant?!?

Eh...well I ran back into my office because the water started to leak out the bottom and all over the carpet...so I still am not positive if the plant was fake or real.

Thank goodness for the positive feedback to 'I might have watered a fake plant...'
"I hope you didn't kill the fake plants."~Mother
"I've heard you actually have to pretend to water fake plants or else they die." ~Dave

My Long Lost Brother?

I stopped at a gas station on my drive up to Maine recently because I had forgotted to pick up a case of Corona. Well...next time I might just accept the fact that I'm a 20 year old with the memory of a 70 year old...

The guy working the gas station, after checking my ID informed me "I'm your brother!"

After glancing around, giggling awkwardly, and staring at the guy...he proceeded to tell me we had the same last name and that we must have the same parents.

I informed him I was adopted and don't know my parents....then walked out.

Awkward-Pants

I went to a sneak preview of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 with my friend the other night. Her coworker, Meredith (who I'd met before) and Julie, Meredith's sister, joined us. As we gathered in the theater, my friend introduced me to Julie. As I went to say hi and introduce myself...I said "Hi Julie...I'm Meredith...ooo...no, no that's not my name." Ehhh...first impression...first lie...not even intential...pure lie...awkward.

Then after the movie, I ran into a girl I hadn't seen in over two years. We embraced and said hello. Then I asked her if she was married...awkward again.

After saying goodbye to her and walking off with my friends, I noticed I had spilt water on my left boob and announced..."oops, water on my boob...I hope she didn't think I was prego and lactating..."...good thing I don't have an indoor voice and everyone around us heard that comment...ehh, more awkwardness.

Reviews...
Movie = Really cute & Good.
Me = Awkward.

5 Second Rule!

A group of my friends recently made a late night stop for pizza. As they were walking out of the pizza joint, a group of girls across the street dropped their entire box of pizza on the ground. ..the pizza fell out of the box and on to the sidewalk. As this happened, one of my friends sprinted across the street yelling "5 second rule! 5 second rule!"...picked up a slice of pizza...took a bite...and sprinted back to the rest of my friends who all sprinted off...

I'm Singinggggggggg to Youuuuuuu

I went to the MGMT concert the other night with a friend and we met a stranger who we'll call ReallyDrunkGirl. After ReallyDrunkGirl violated my bubble with her arm around me, announced we were having the worst conversation she'd ever had, yelled I was freaking out, and continued to violate my bubble...she sang to me.

"I'm singinggggggggggggg to youuuuuuuuuuuuuu so you thiiiiiiiiiiiink I am nooooooooooooormal."

Well, you convinced me.

Normal.

Life is Short. Play Naked.

Notebook Blurb #4

At our senior class trip to the Bahamas/Atlantis meeting...quote is in regard to the Bahamas...

"It's a country?...I thought it was an island..."

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

When I was little...let's just say I wasn't the most well-bahaved child. So in response to my acting up, occassionally mother would threaten that she was going to send me to the orphanage. She'd proceed to pick up the phone and call call the orphanage to pick me up...

Well the other night at dinner I found out that she never really called the orphanage...instead she was calling my friend's mother!***

I also found out that while she was pretending to call the orphanage, I'd run around the house on the verge of tears, yelling "But I don't wanna be Annie! Noooooo!" Apparantly I feared turning into Annie and living the life she lived when she was stuck in the orphanage.

Then the next day, when I safely avoided being taken away to the orphanage (which I thought was magical...turns out it wasn't even a threat)....I'd run around the house singing "The sun will come out tomorrow....bet ya bottom dolla that tomorrow....there'll be sun!"

***Do not judge that it took me over 15 years before learning that I was never on the verge of being sent to the orphanage.

Kristin Dueberjohnson? I hope this is you.

I received this e-mail from a stranger today:

Kristin Dueberjohnson? I hope this is you. Kerrie was reading your e-mail about wanting to see pictures of our new dog, and I said I'd send them to you, but I didn't have your e-mail address. So I glanced and tried to remember your e-mail address. Of course, it never occured to us to simply forward the e-mail from Kerrie's account to yours. Derf. If this isn't you, then to whomever you are, these are pictures of our new dog. Isn't she cute?

Below that was a long list of email addresses and the e-mail they forwarded to "Kristin Dueberjohnson":

This is our new dog, Nelly. She was named in a moment of inspiration when we declared that no dog named "Muffy" or "Gigi" was ever gonna step foot in our house, but "Tupac" , "Snoop Dog", and "Biggie" weren't quite appropriate for a dog that wasn't going to get much bigger than the 5 pounds she is now. "Nelly", we decided, was actually a nice name for a small female dog. Kerrie wanted to name the dog "Cujo", and believe it or not, I was actually the one to say, um, no. Nelly is a 5-month old papillon-pomaranian mix. She has a very nice disposition, rarely barks, and mostly wants to lie down next to you, which is the polar opposite of most dogs her size. She has also been learning that the bed is too high for her to jump on, despite her best efforts at a running leap, and this occassionally results in her bouncing off the side of it like a tennis ball. She is, however, fluent in poop. We're working on that.

1 of 10 photos sent by stranger:

Strangers have a cute puppy. I wonder who my new friends are...

Poop Catcher

I was driving down the road yesterday and saw a lady standing behind her dog catching the dogs poop. Yes, plastic bag to the dogs bum to ensure no poop hit the ground.

Then the dog glimpsed back and "gracefully" (as graceful as one can be, moving while pooping) maneuvered forward....only to be pleasantly graced with the lady shuffling right behind, following the dog...plastic bag still to the dog's bum.

Looked like the below photo...but with a dog, closer to the ground, and in suburbia.

Midnight Snack aka Breakfast

As I was eating an enormous bowl of Rice Krispies last night around midnight....I realized....I eat my breakfast before I go to bed so I can sleep longer in the morning.

The Dusty Files: Wood Angels

Two of my friends and I were recently looking at our to-be apartment on Dustin Road...being shown to us by our real estate agent...also named Dustin.

During the showing, we were trying to figure out if the couch we want to use would fit the measurements of the living room but we had forgotten a tape measure. In an attempt to figure the length of the couch, we started using our heights. Since our 6'1" real estate agent was the tallest...he was the obvious choice for the measurement tool.

We managed to get our real estate agent to lay down where we wanted to put the couch. As he was laying on the hardwood floor, we realized the couch was a bit longer than he was so we had him lift his arms over his head. He continued to lay on the floor with his arms stretched out over his head as he asked us "How awkward is this? Are you all set? Do you want me to do anything else?"

Well, since he offered....next, we had him drag his arms across the floor and bring them down to his side. Only after doing that did he ask why....in response, we congratulated/thanked him for doing a make-shift 'wood angel'...aka a snow angel on the wooden floor.

Then our third roommate, who was on the phone in the hallway, walked in....shocked that we had our real estate agent laying on the ground while we stood on the opposite side of the room debating what else we could make him do....

Stuck in the Middle (of the lake) with You

A kayaker missing, a jet skit unable to tow said kayak, a boat that wouldn't start, a cell phone without service, and a little boat that also wouldn't start....

This past weekend we were at the cottage in Maine. For the first time, my next door neighbor's boyfriend ventured outside of our cove in the kayak. Two hours later, he had still not returned.

My neighbor and I went on a rescue mission on the jet ski. After getting to the middle of the lake, we realized we'd forgotten rope to tow him back but decided we'd find him before figuring out next steps.

After searching a bit over half the lake, we found him in the kayak, soaken wet, shivering, and paddling in the opposite direction of the cottage. Turns out after he circled Treasure Island he lost his sense of direction. The people he asked for help ended up spraying him/capsizing his kayak and all he could remember as points of references were Treasure Island and the public boating entrance....both on the opposite side of the lake from our cottage.

Anyways, we found him! Now to tow him in...without rope. Our genius idea was my neighbor who was on the back of the jet ski and the kayaker would hold onto the paddle while I slowly drove us home.

Idea = failure.

As I started to drive, the kayak went off to the right and to avoid tipping over he had to let go. Instead of towing him home, we pointed to the far end of the lake and said paddle that way, we'll be back.

We sped off back to the cottage to get the boat. My father, my neighbor, and I returned to our lost kayaker to pick him up. We refound the kayaker, we shut the boat off to let him in the boat. When both the kayak and him were safe in the boat and we went to start the boat....nothing. Now the boat wouldn't start.

We successfully managed to save the stranded kayaker but get all four of us, a boat, and a kayak stuck in the middle of the lake.

As father played with the boats engine/battery, I tried my cell phone (good thing about being stuck in the middle of the lake is that it's the only place I get service up there). I managed to call mother and tell her to get the jet ski and come tow us in....but then i lost service. Right as I lost service father yelled that we needed her to get the battery starter and come in the little boat...oops.

I tried my cell again. No service. Tried again, no service. Another cell attempt...score! It worked...thanks to the wind making the boat drift. This time I got through and relayed the message to get the battery and come get us in the little boat.

Meanwhile, father was still playing with the boat engine/battery, the kayaker was regaining feeling in his arms and trying to stop shivering, my neighbor was consoling the kayaker, and I was still planning the bon fire we were to have in a few hours.

Finally, the boat magically started!

We headed back to the cottage, I tried to call mother to update her but after a couple rings I lost service.

As we returned to the cottage, we found mother and my neighbor's dad standing on the little dock with the battery by their feet and their hands up in the air portraying an "Oops! i don't know" expression. They yelled to us "The little boat won't start either!"

In response father yelled "Is the key in the boat?!"

Turns out the first time I called, mother ran outside to find our neighbor's dad to get help with the jet ski since she doesn't know how to drive it. Then while they were both staring at the jet ski, since neither of them really knew how to use it, the phone rang because I was calling again. She ran to the house to answer the phone, then she and my neighbor's dad followed the directions to get the battery and little boat. Then they went to start the little boat and couldn't. As they were attempting to start the boat, the phone rang again so she ran back to the house but when she got to the phone it stopped ringing...quite chinese-fire-drill-combined-with-chicken-with-head-cut-off-esque. She then went back outside and that's when we returned to find her and my neighbor's dad on the dock....hands in the air yelling to us that the little boat won't start either...us questioning if the key was in the little boat....

Turns out they forgot to put the key in the little boat!

Rock, Paper, Scissors - Leave the Country

Notebook blurb:

Reminder - Midnight on July 4th, must leave country for losing Rock, Paper, Scissors to Shelbz. She chose the US. Must leave and travel to "my" countries.

Note to self - change countries I got out of the deal.

Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

We dropped a brown paper bag with a PB and J sandwhich in it down the book slot at the library one evening for a friend of ours that worked until 10 p.m.

When she got out of work she called us to meet up. During the phone call and when we met up, she failed to mention having gotten the sandy we left for her. When we finally asked if she enjoyed the sandy, she told us she had no idea what we were talking about.

Turns out, she didn't go to the book slot that evening...meaning there was a creepy brown paper bag with a sandy sitting in the book slot drop.

When she got home that evening, she let her mother, who also works at the library, know what we slid down the book slot.

To avoid bomb scares, our friend and her mother woke up bright and early at 8 a.m. the next morning to go to the library to get the brown paper bag before anyone else stumbled upon it...that must have been an odd story to tell the other librarians to explain why they were at the library on their days off.

Note to self...do not put this in the book slot:

Have you seen this man?

I took the above photo of a photo hanging under a painting at my friends Art Gallery Opening. He looks like such a friendly, chipper gentleman. After taking this photo on my camera, I proceeded to walk around the gallery asking people if they'd seen this man and it was urgent that I find him. WELL...turns out he was the artist that had painted the picture his photo was hanging beneath and that he was actually at the exhibit...man FOUND!

Will Hillary Clinton pull out?

Headline on Globe.com today: Will Hillary Clinton pull out?
My thought: Does she even have that capability....

Then to further that comment on: http://www.momlogic.com/2008/05/hillary_why_women_rule.php#start
An answer to the above: Hillary: I'm Still in It

Um...wow. And wow.

Ice Cream Spy Photos

Poster hanging in an ice cream store down in Florida:

Attractive but blind.

Another notebook blurb...a quote I wrote down from one of my friend's in regard to himself:

"That's what God does to ya, gives ya good looks but bad eye sight so ya can't see it."

Trust these guys.

Monday night a couple of friends and I got to witness True Life - Fire Fighters & Cops at Their Best...

We saw flashing lights, heard sirens, and then watched a fire engine and a police car sit idle. After a bit, the cop got out of his car, walked on the sidewalk over to the fire engine while he fixed himself like a baseball player. Then, the fire engines siren went off twice over the next 10 minutes. We're not so sure if the guy in the fire engine knew how to work the sirens since he yelled to his associates, after setting the siren off for the second time in suburbia, in the middle of the night....."The first time was an accident...the second time, I don't even know."

Sure....all the soccer moms and I would love and trust you, Mr. Fireman and Mr. Policeman, to save us if we find ourselves stuck in danger or in a fire.

Quitting Smoking Gives You Gas?

During dinner the other evening father and I were debating how many years ago he quit smoking when mother interrupted with "Too bad I couldn't quit because I thought it'd give me gas."

Um...what?

So, explanation...the parentals smoked during my childhood and upon the decision to quit, they went to a hypnotist. Father was able to quit, however it took mother another 14 years...because she thought it'd give her gas.

The hypnotist had a thick Russian accent and in his efforts to not only stop them from smoking but to also prevent them from the norm side affect of gaining a massive amount of weight, he said "if you put food in your mouth, you will get fat." BUT, mother misheard and thought he said "if you put food in your mouth, you will fart."

So the next week went on in which neither parentals touch a cigarette. Yet, mother didn't really eat, drink, chew gum, and even feared brushing her teeth....she thought if she put anything in her mouth she'd fart.

Result being, father quit smoking. Mother quit 14 years later.

Moon Sand Condoms

Recently I went to Target to purchase moon sand...yes, moon sand.

As I'm standing in line, the guy in front of me gets carded as he's purchasing condoms. Being the responsible adult I am, I chuckle and turn around.

As I turn around, a little girl and her mother are standing behind me. The little girl (probably age 5) sees the moon sand and tells her mother how she wants more moon sand. The mother comments to me how she didn't know it could be purchased individually...and then the little girl tells me how she got it for Christmas and how great it is...followed by another person chiming in with their moon sand love. Next, the whole line starts talking about the sand foam--for ages 4-8--that the 20+ year old is purchasing.***

WTF, shouldn't the attention be on the underaged kid buying condoms...I was clearly shocked he was carded. Lesson of the day, moon sand NOT condoms is a bigger attention grabber AND apparantly condoms are like porn, cigaretts, alcohol, and voting...there's an age limit.

***Not that I need to defend my purchase of the moon sand but it was indeed for a friend. Granted they too are a 20+ year old but it was for a friend. I bet the underaged condom buyer can't say that about the condoms.

Where ya sitting, mate?

Sweet disappearing act, eh?

I keep notebooks...little notebooks with random notes, thoughts, quotes, drawings, etc in them. I found one last night from a couple years ago and here's one of perhaps many notebook blurbs to come.

Boarding a plane at the Adelaide (Australia) airport. Theres a team of car racers on our plane. As we were boarding one guy about 10 rows back yells up ahead..."Mate, where ya sitting?"

His friend yells back, "Back of the plane...never seen an airplane back into a mountain, mate."

Destiny

As I was walking around the mall, I had stopped at a rack of shirts to browse. Whilst I was browsing, I hear a little girl tell an adult "Halloween was yesterday!" I take a quick peak over the rack of shirts and accidentally make eye contact with the little girl. Next, the gittle girl walks around the rack up to me and our interaction goes as follows....

Little Girl: "Hi! What's your name?"
Me: "Krissy, what's yours?"
Little Girl: "Destiny."
(Little Girl opens arms for a hug)
(Little Girl and I hug)
(Little Girl puts out her right hand for a handshake)
(Little Girl and I shake hands)
Little Girl: "It was nice to meet you."
Me: "Lovely to meet you too."

The little girl and I then part ways....perhaps this is normal interaction between strangers??

"Blind Date"

Without my contacts, I can only see blurs of color. This being said, the eye doctor and I are friends. I used to go and either the old man or the quite attractive middle aged man would check my eyes. During my appointments I like to ask many questions of how the machines work and why they're doing certain tests...I'm like a 5 year old seeing the outside world for the first time but rather I'm a 20+ year old getting help with my eye sight, questioning the world of vision.

So, my last eye appointment...

I hadn't been in a year so I looked forward to either getting the cute elderly gentleman or the attractive mid-age man. BUT NO. Instead I get a guy a not so attractive guy I'd never seen before. Of course I ask the questions about the machines again...especially the machine with the white/black circles that looks like a bullseye of sorts. After getting a few of the tests done in a small room we move onto the classic tests I grew up with in which they determine what lenses to give you. At this point, I have no contacts in and no glasses on. Back to the blurry world of blindness.

Sitting in the chair the eye doctor and I discuss my eyes and how bad they are. My response is "am I going blind?"..."are you sure I'm not going blind?" After getting a chuckle out of him, we begin to talk and I learn he grew up in Germany and moved here with his sister and he's 26 etc etc. We talk about Germany for a bit as I'd gone a few months previous and then we get back to my eyes.

Who would think eyes and the eye doctor could get awkward?! ...besides maybe eyeball licking but thats for another time. Well, after telling me that my eyes look like crap...yes those were his exact words, he asks me how often I take my contacts out. Then he informs me I should take them out when I get home from work and switch to my glasses...then proceeds to say "how bout you call me on your way home, you then take your contacts out, put your glasses on, and then I'll pick you up and take you for a drink and make sure your wearing your glasses so your eyes get better."

Um....did i just get asked on a date at the eye doctors???

Perhaps it wouldn't have been so awkward if I didn't chuckle/giggle awkwardly and then ask once again "am I going blind?"

In Honor of Super Tuesday...

SUPER TUESDAY...

Yesterday evening we received a phone call...

"Johnson residence, how are you?"
"Hi, this is so and so from the Hillary Clinton campaign. Can we count on your vote tomorrow for Hillary Clinton?"
"ooooo....I don't know...I'm not old enough to vote"
"Is there anyone home that is old enough that I can talk to?"
"Oh...no no no...they aren't here. No no no, they aren't here."
"Ok, I"ll call back..."
"Oh no...no....I'll tell them for you. I'll spread the word to tell people to vote t-t-t-tomorrow."
"Yes honey, please do that. Remember to tell them to vote for Hillary Clinton. Thank you so much."
"Oh you're welcome kind lady. Good luck with this voting thing."

Perhaps I'll answer the house phone more often...

The Pelvic Thrusting Gym Dude

Gym time comes daily and though I love the adrenaline from a workout....gotta admit the pelvic thrusting gym dude makes gym time all the more to look forward to.

Day 1 of seeing, lets call him PTGD, I was riding the bike in front of the walk way. PTGD is a red headed, freckled, middle aged man always in short running shorts, boxers hanging out and an old school mesh tank top. Anyways, PTGD....I'm riding the bike and he does a walk around and stops to the right of me, stands facing the tvs with his hands on his hips and starts thrusting his pelvis back and forth. After about 5 minutes of this awkwardness, he paces the walkway and stands to the left in front of me. Once again he assumes position, facing the tvs with his hands on his hips and starts thrusting his pelvis back and forth. After another 5 minutes, he paces again and then stops right in front of me and for a third time...assumes position and thrusts.

Awkward. PTGD catches my attention and since day 1 I try to advert my attention but I can't....now I just count on seeing him and his pelvic thrusts during gym time...more so to see his daily routine of thrusts and see where he'll thrust today. The other day he thrusted in the walkway in the center of the gym as well as over by the stretching mats. Perhaps he has the most powerful pelvis, perhaps he's quite flexible, or perhaps he's like a dog and rather than marking his territory with urine, his trademark is pelvic thrusting.

BULA...an intro of sorts

BULA! (Hello! as said in Fiji)

A short and sweet--quite possibly used loosely--intro of sorts to what lies ahead…I’m easily amused, my vices change frequently, interactions with strangers, sports, music, traveling, randomness, and oh yeah….I’m also easily distracted.

My style of writing is that I usually write how I speak but from time to time I’ll use my ability to string together words into grammatically correct sentences.

Enjoy and comment as you see fit.

And oh yeah…it’s lovely to meet ‘you.’

~KJ