Quitting Smoking Gives You Gas?

During dinner the other evening father and I were debating how many years ago he quit smoking when mother interrupted with "Too bad I couldn't quit because I thought it'd give me gas."

Um...what?

So, explanation...the parentals smoked during my childhood and upon the decision to quit, they went to a hypnotist. Father was able to quit, however it took mother another 14 years...because she thought it'd give her gas.

The hypnotist had a thick Russian accent and in his efforts to not only stop them from smoking but to also prevent them from the norm side affect of gaining a massive amount of weight, he said "if you put food in your mouth, you will get fat." BUT, mother misheard and thought he said "if you put food in your mouth, you will fart."

So the next week went on in which neither parentals touch a cigarette. Yet, mother didn't really eat, drink, chew gum, and even feared brushing her teeth....she thought if she put anything in her mouth she'd fart.

Result being, father quit smoking. Mother quit 14 years later.

Moon Sand Condoms

Recently I went to Target to purchase moon sand...yes, moon sand.

As I'm standing in line, the guy in front of me gets carded as he's purchasing condoms. Being the responsible adult I am, I chuckle and turn around.

As I turn around, a little girl and her mother are standing behind me. The little girl (probably age 5) sees the moon sand and tells her mother how she wants more moon sand. The mother comments to me how she didn't know it could be purchased individually...and then the little girl tells me how she got it for Christmas and how great it is...followed by another person chiming in with their moon sand love. Next, the whole line starts talking about the sand foam--for ages 4-8--that the 20+ year old is purchasing.***

WTF, shouldn't the attention be on the underaged kid buying condoms...I was clearly shocked he was carded. Lesson of the day, moon sand NOT condoms is a bigger attention grabber AND apparantly condoms are like porn, cigaretts, alcohol, and voting...there's an age limit.

***Not that I need to defend my purchase of the moon sand but it was indeed for a friend. Granted they too are a 20+ year old but it was for a friend. I bet the underaged condom buyer can't say that about the condoms.

Where ya sitting, mate?

Sweet disappearing act, eh?

I keep notebooks...little notebooks with random notes, thoughts, quotes, drawings, etc in them. I found one last night from a couple years ago and here's one of perhaps many notebook blurbs to come.

Boarding a plane at the Adelaide (Australia) airport. Theres a team of car racers on our plane. As we were boarding one guy about 10 rows back yells up ahead..."Mate, where ya sitting?"

His friend yells back, "Back of the plane...never seen an airplane back into a mountain, mate."

Destiny

As I was walking around the mall, I had stopped at a rack of shirts to browse. Whilst I was browsing, I hear a little girl tell an adult "Halloween was yesterday!" I take a quick peak over the rack of shirts and accidentally make eye contact with the little girl. Next, the gittle girl walks around the rack up to me and our interaction goes as follows....

Little Girl: "Hi! What's your name?"
Me: "Krissy, what's yours?"
Little Girl: "Destiny."
(Little Girl opens arms for a hug)
(Little Girl and I hug)
(Little Girl puts out her right hand for a handshake)
(Little Girl and I shake hands)
Little Girl: "It was nice to meet you."
Me: "Lovely to meet you too."

The little girl and I then part ways....perhaps this is normal interaction between strangers??

"Blind Date"

Without my contacts, I can only see blurs of color. This being said, the eye doctor and I are friends. I used to go and either the old man or the quite attractive middle aged man would check my eyes. During my appointments I like to ask many questions of how the machines work and why they're doing certain tests...I'm like a 5 year old seeing the outside world for the first time but rather I'm a 20+ year old getting help with my eye sight, questioning the world of vision.

So, my last eye appointment...

I hadn't been in a year so I looked forward to either getting the cute elderly gentleman or the attractive mid-age man. BUT NO. Instead I get a guy a not so attractive guy I'd never seen before. Of course I ask the questions about the machines again...especially the machine with the white/black circles that looks like a bullseye of sorts. After getting a few of the tests done in a small room we move onto the classic tests I grew up with in which they determine what lenses to give you. At this point, I have no contacts in and no glasses on. Back to the blurry world of blindness.

Sitting in the chair the eye doctor and I discuss my eyes and how bad they are. My response is "am I going blind?"..."are you sure I'm not going blind?" After getting a chuckle out of him, we begin to talk and I learn he grew up in Germany and moved here with his sister and he's 26 etc etc. We talk about Germany for a bit as I'd gone a few months previous and then we get back to my eyes.

Who would think eyes and the eye doctor could get awkward?! ...besides maybe eyeball licking but thats for another time. Well, after telling me that my eyes look like crap...yes those were his exact words, he asks me how often I take my contacts out. Then he informs me I should take them out when I get home from work and switch to my glasses...then proceeds to say "how bout you call me on your way home, you then take your contacts out, put your glasses on, and then I'll pick you up and take you for a drink and make sure your wearing your glasses so your eyes get better."

Um....did i just get asked on a date at the eye doctors???

Perhaps it wouldn't have been so awkward if I didn't chuckle/giggle awkwardly and then ask once again "am I going blind?"

In Honor of Super Tuesday...

SUPER TUESDAY...

Yesterday evening we received a phone call...

"Johnson residence, how are you?"
"Hi, this is so and so from the Hillary Clinton campaign. Can we count on your vote tomorrow for Hillary Clinton?"
"ooooo....I don't know...I'm not old enough to vote"
"Is there anyone home that is old enough that I can talk to?"
"Oh...no no no...they aren't here. No no no, they aren't here."
"Ok, I"ll call back..."
"Oh no...no....I'll tell them for you. I'll spread the word to tell people to vote t-t-t-tomorrow."
"Yes honey, please do that. Remember to tell them to vote for Hillary Clinton. Thank you so much."
"Oh you're welcome kind lady. Good luck with this voting thing."

Perhaps I'll answer the house phone more often...

The Pelvic Thrusting Gym Dude

Gym time comes daily and though I love the adrenaline from a workout....gotta admit the pelvic thrusting gym dude makes gym time all the more to look forward to.

Day 1 of seeing, lets call him PTGD, I was riding the bike in front of the walk way. PTGD is a red headed, freckled, middle aged man always in short running shorts, boxers hanging out and an old school mesh tank top. Anyways, PTGD....I'm riding the bike and he does a walk around and stops to the right of me, stands facing the tvs with his hands on his hips and starts thrusting his pelvis back and forth. After about 5 minutes of this awkwardness, he paces the walkway and stands to the left in front of me. Once again he assumes position, facing the tvs with his hands on his hips and starts thrusting his pelvis back and forth. After another 5 minutes, he paces again and then stops right in front of me and for a third time...assumes position and thrusts.

Awkward. PTGD catches my attention and since day 1 I try to advert my attention but I can't....now I just count on seeing him and his pelvic thrusts during gym time...more so to see his daily routine of thrusts and see where he'll thrust today. The other day he thrusted in the walkway in the center of the gym as well as over by the stretching mats. Perhaps he has the most powerful pelvis, perhaps he's quite flexible, or perhaps he's like a dog and rather than marking his territory with urine, his trademark is pelvic thrusting.